[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
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*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?