Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
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Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.