Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
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Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown