Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
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If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.