Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
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“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
#growingpains
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that