Cannot stop laughing at this
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Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
How to draw a duck
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Is….Is this an option?
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
it was love at first sight
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Come back with a warrant
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half