Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
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What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.