Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
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I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.