Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
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As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
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Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?