[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
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Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I just love that new Pope smell.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Okay me first
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
🤣😂🤣
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans