He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
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Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Waiting for the Charmin
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
ACED my prostate exam!
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm