God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
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Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I just love that new Pope smell.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!