Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
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My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Doesn鈥檛 everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they鈥檙e proficient at Excel?
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren鈥檛 we
king kong: oh you鈥檙e one to talk
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I鈥檒l handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it鈥檚 my birthday 馃檪
Go hard or stay average
god (creating me): here鈥檚 the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i鈥檒l be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 馃檪
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.