@NathanBgood: "Can't beat fresh apple pie" she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. "Wrong" I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
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@ocourtneyno: When you accidentally type "me" instead of "my" I read your tweets as if you are a leprechaun.
@N0pantz: Watch your wedding video backwards. You'll love the part when you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, & leave with your friends.
@shanethevein: Wait, there's a big difference. Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
@Sassafrantz: What a beautiful day! The sun's shining, the birds are singing, the neighbor's dog is taking a huge crap on my lawn...