“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
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When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine