“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
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I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.