can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
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the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.