@donni: Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
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@DrDogMD: PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you? DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn't easy
@Fred_Delicious: [Biden runs into the oval office] "Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed"
@mjkspeaks: [hours after first date] HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy. *i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
@zachreinert03: Saw a sticker that said "my son was an honor student". I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he's not dead, maybe he's just stupid now