Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
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Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.