Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
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Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*