imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
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inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
True freaking story!
What fresh Hell is this?!?
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching