@robdelaney: Can't believe I've already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
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@behindyourback: "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online"
@DickScurvy: Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don't know what to do with my hands.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I'm not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I'll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it's constantly moving.