@robdelaney: Can't believe I've already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
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@iwearaonesie: wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway? me: So your mom doesn't have to borrow the car
@rickolantern: They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night In a fight a with a bouncer
@OutOfLeftField_: Women's voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you're in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.