Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
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What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
mom had nothing to worry about
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Beards are a privilege, not a right
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
meanwhile over on facebook
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.