Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
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“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat