@simoncholland: Can't believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
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@NotthatAdamWest: "Dear God, make me a bird, so I can..." *turns into penguin* "DAMMIT I WASN'T FINISHED!"
@PariCalvia: That moment when you leave a store but don't buy anything, and you're telling yourself, "act natural, you're innocent."
@mrtruthandsoul: Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly...do you want me to close the door? Me: Do you wanna watch? Nurse: *closes door*
@RaineyKnight666: Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty looks. I don't want my own husband, so I sure as hell don't want yours.