Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
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mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Weirdly Wednesday.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken