@simoncholland: Can't believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
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@imchriskelly: Someone just tweeted something vague that made me think a celeb had died so I googled "dead." No dice! Thank god---hang in there, celebs!
@AsgardianRose: Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We'll be naming her tomorrow. Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
@_Ms_Moneypenny_: Friend: Can I borrow a pen? Me: Sure! *looks in purse* *pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat* Me: Sorry, no pen. :(
@ThatBrenna: If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you're hardcore.