@simoncholland: Can't believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
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@XplodingUnicorn: My 3-year-old told me she covered the house in "fairy dust" She better mean cocaine because if it's glitter somebody's going to be homeless
@jimmytorosian: Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put "delicious" in their name. Like calm down. You're still just an apple. You ain't no prize.
@Heather2Go: Ironman is my favorite story about how sleep deprivation can make you a sarcastic, neurotic superhero without being a parent.
@TommyKarate: Forgot to open the door before applying hand lotion so now I'm stuck in my restroom forever.