Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
You Might Also Like
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.