Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
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Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Seems kinda suspicious
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️