Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
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Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
My dad teaching me to drive
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
My blood type is coffee.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.