Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
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Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
boat question
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report