Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
You Might Also Like
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
White Castle for the Win
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?