Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
You Might Also Like
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.