@whatmaddness: Friends with kids: what's the matter with you, why don't you have kids yet Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair

@OBiiieeee: my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

@patnspankme: Her: Where ya been? Me: At the cemetery. Her: Someone dead? Me: Yeah. All of them.

@phobophile: You've just made a very lazy enemy my friend.

@_alexwray: [couple inviting me somewhere] Why yes I'd love to accompany you as a third wheel, it is my most favorite of all the wheels, wheels I love