Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
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Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.