@tastefactory: HOUSE: I had dreams but no I'll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever WIFE: Did u hear something ME: It's just the house settling

@HeyZeus666: Anyone who doesn't believe in life after death has never walked away from a lousy job.

@JoyceCarolTotes: Border patrol: Why do you have 100s of DVDs of Top Gun stuffed into your seat cushions Me: *sweating* BP: They aren't even illegal

@hiitsmolly: "I could probz bench press, like, five of you"-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

@tastefactory: We really are the most blessed generation. We've had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.