@whatmaddness: Friends with kids: what's the matter with you, why don't you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
@OBiiieeee: my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
@patnspankme: Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
@phobophile: You've just made a very lazy enemy my friend.
@_alexwray: [couple inviting me somewhere]
Why yes I'd love to accompany you as a third wheel, it is my most favorite of all the wheels, wheels I love
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