Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
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me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.