@kashanacauley: Can't believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.
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@laurenlapkus: I'm not kidding Santa is waiting outside my house til it's "late enough" to go down my chimney
@shutupmikeginn: Sing me a song you're the piano man / clean out my pool you're the gardener /now light up my room you're a ceiling fan
@vickykhappy: A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent. That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
@trims_the_fat: I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy. "Making breakfast. ;)" "Walking the dog. ;)" "Broke in to your house ;)"