@kashanacauley: Can't believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.
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@DanMentos: “Hello, 912” wait did u say 912? “yup” I meant to dial 911 “happens all the time” lol I’m such a goof “haha right?” my neighbor got stabbed
@LackOfShame: I'm "had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn't pick up and start dialing" years old.
@panmidwest: ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you… GOD: [creates dog] ANGEL: …and for how they actually do GOD: [creates cat]
@sumpeoplelikeit: If you ask me where your glasses are, and they're on your head, I will help you look for them forever.