HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
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I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
tinder is all about the long game
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*