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@Underchilde: Can’t believe tomorrow is Take Your Alcohol to Work Day.
@MatCro: ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we've talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok.... wire you insulate?
@Brentweets: I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I'm never going to be popular
@galiamango: When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don't move, it can't see me.
@bellicosejason: My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.