[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
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Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.