Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
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When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?