Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.