Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
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Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.