My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
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ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
all bases covered
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.