Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
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Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares