Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
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There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.