Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
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I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Bloody internet 😳
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
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This is my emotional support knife.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.