Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
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Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun