Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
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I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Time for evil
*praying for world peace*
God:
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you