Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
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kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
That 👊
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules