Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
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I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Don’t touch that.
channeling her this year
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.