can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
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The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Nothing to do, you say?
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT