can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
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What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
A French press is when you hug naked
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard