*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
You Might Also Like
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
WHY would you be happy about this?
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force