I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
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Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.