cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
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Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
dam girl
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today