cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
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*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on